Hopes goes down the drain

After a couple of joyful moments and weeks of work it seems like we are at the edge again. I'm losing hope. And I'm sick as well. I lost abou 10-15 kgs this year - mostly just because of stressing about my job and (mostly) my relationship.
I don't want to go on like this. I want a change. I WANT TO LIVE NOT JUST SURVIVE!

On the way to thirty

I am on my way without actually knowing my destination. I only know that I will turn into thirty in two months and I'm fed up with purely surviving the days of my life.
I think it might be a new period in my life. I've been studying living so far. I've got aquintanced to society (hi, society!) and basic structures of human life. Now it's time to actually do something with the knowledge (let there be knowledge-work the productivity god said!). I am at the beginning of the thing we used to called 'professional career' some time ago. No, mister, let's go outside, make that goddamn difference you've been always dreaming on!
Let's put a smile on every face and a dirty boot in every lousy mouth!

Kind of a solution

I come up with a kind of solution for my whining. I call it the "Fuck-you-all-I'm-happy" state. I think I deserve it.

Life as a pilgrimage

Sometime in our lives we all go into the wild. We turn away from society to face our demons, to answer the questions of our existance. As it is told, it is the road that matters - alothough we usually concentrate on the arrival.
Whether you are Henry David Thoreau or Christopher McCandless or anyone, you have to go on a journey to cope with life. Although journey seems to be a physical trip it is always a spiritual passage rite leading from adolescence to adulthood - from a chaotic, idealistic lifeworld to simple wisdoms through experiencing the hardships of the journey.
I am on my way. I explore the wolrd inside and try to collect the dots. And I realize that I had to grow up pretty fast without knowing the full weight of it. I am wandering in the halls of adulthood haunted by the questions left answerless and trying to complete the puzzle of my life. This is a pursuit of happiness and tranquility. This is a passage to peace with myself and the society.
I have a long way to accomplish still.

About hope

It's almost winter. We had snow - now we have rain. I find coping with the difficulties of life quite hard.
Hopelessness might be better than losing hope. My dreams of a better life are becoming slowly devastated by this rain and this place I live in.
Glory is far away, out of reach, out of sight.