Kind of a solution

I come up with a kind of solution for my whining. I call it the "Fuck-you-all-I'm-happy" state. I think I deserve it.

Life as a pilgrimage

Sometime in our lives we all go into the wild. We turn away from society to face our demons, to answer the questions of our existance. As it is told, it is the road that matters - alothough we usually concentrate on the arrival.
Whether you are Henry David Thoreau or Christopher McCandless or anyone, you have to go on a journey to cope with life. Although journey seems to be a physical trip it is always a spiritual passage rite leading from adolescence to adulthood - from a chaotic, idealistic lifeworld to simple wisdoms through experiencing the hardships of the journey.
I am on my way. I explore the wolrd inside and try to collect the dots. And I realize that I had to grow up pretty fast without knowing the full weight of it. I am wandering in the halls of adulthood haunted by the questions left answerless and trying to complete the puzzle of my life. This is a pursuit of happiness and tranquility. This is a passage to peace with myself and the society.
I have a long way to accomplish still.

About hope

It's almost winter. We had snow - now we have rain. I find coping with the difficulties of life quite hard.
Hopelessness might be better than losing hope. My dreams of a better life are becoming slowly devastated by this rain and this place I live in.
Glory is far away, out of reach, out of sight.

After some time

We seem to normalize our relationship somehow. It' s not what it's used to be, but I am (and maybe she is also) hopeful. I don't have too much to say. We started talking to each other. Still there are other problems in my professional life and in finances, but hey, most of us share the same problems.
This is where the story ends now. Maybe I just leave this blog as a memento for a couple of shitty days. We will see. Or at least I will.

The surface and the deep

It seems to be OK on the surface but I feel something's not right here. I really think she lies.
No explanation.

The restless night

I met her half way into the city central. We got home. She was happy. She took a bath and sat down to check her e-mails (maybe also checked whether 'psychho' is online). She laughed loud at a letter she received from the Manish guy. All was almost OK. Except she did not reacted in any way to the love letter I've sent her hours ago with a lovesong attached (one of our first common lovesongs).
Nigth was restless. After an hour of suffering and thinkink about what she might did I left the bed to get sleeping pills. Didn't kick in for 2 more hours. Then I had about three hours with about 10 minute periods of sleeping and beeing awake again. Finally I got up half past 6. She asked me if I was OK, and said that my stomach hurts. It's true. It was empty and the pills seemed to burn a hole in it. I just did not confessed that.
It is her name-day today. Soon I will go to fecth some flowers to her.
I still want her this badly.

Evolve, evolve, evolve

Well it used to be an update but turned out to be a completely new post. No weather analogies this time though.
It was in the afternoon that I discovered she became friend with some Manish guy. She left a note to him at a community site calling the guy 'honey'. She rarely calls me honey these days. Whatever. I try to put on a happy face.
And in the morning she was chatting with this fucking 'Psycho' Tom again. I was on the edge of telling her that I am becoming more and more jealous of him. I think it's a bit better this way. They met tonight at a pub - okey there are some other friends there. I asked her earlier whether I could join them but she replied it was not exactly my company and no, do not join cause it might be weird for her. So now she's in a pub with them and I'm waiting for her at home.
At the same time I can record a little bit of relief. Her tone on the phone changed to a bit warmer after (or while) meeting one of her girlfriends. I hold on to every bit of hope now.
I want her to stay with me. This fucking situation makes me completely mad ('been thinking about spying on her but I had to recognize I'm not that kind of guy).
So here's the deal: I love her, can't stop thinking about her and cannot concentrate on anything else. I held a lecture today but somehow I wasn't there. Someone used my vocal chords to tell the kids what they need to know but I was thinking about how to win her love back.
After all it has been sang:

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone

Update: It's quarter past midnight. I called her to ask what's up. We agreed on she would call me if she misses the last bus home. She is walking home now but I should not come to pick her up because she's not alone... Let's meet - she said - somewhere at the near hotel. She'll call me when she knows the time she'll be there. FUCKING HELL AM I ANGRY!