Hopes goes down the drain

After a couple of joyful moments and weeks of work it seems like we are at the edge again. I'm losing hope. And I'm sick as well. I lost abou 10-15 kgs this year - mostly just because of stressing about my job and (mostly) my relationship.
I don't want to go on like this. I want a change. I WANT TO LIVE NOT JUST SURVIVE!

On the way to thirty

I am on my way without actually knowing my destination. I only know that I will turn into thirty in two months and I'm fed up with purely surviving the days of my life.
I think it might be a new period in my life. I've been studying living so far. I've got aquintanced to society (hi, society!) and basic structures of human life. Now it's time to actually do something with the knowledge (let there be knowledge-work the productivity god said!). I am at the beginning of the thing we used to called 'professional career' some time ago. No, mister, let's go outside, make that goddamn difference you've been always dreaming on!
Let's put a smile on every face and a dirty boot in every lousy mouth!

Kind of a solution

I come up with a kind of solution for my whining. I call it the "Fuck-you-all-I'm-happy" state. I think I deserve it.

Life as a pilgrimage

Sometime in our lives we all go into the wild. We turn away from society to face our demons, to answer the questions of our existance. As it is told, it is the road that matters - alothough we usually concentrate on the arrival.
Whether you are Henry David Thoreau or Christopher McCandless or anyone, you have to go on a journey to cope with life. Although journey seems to be a physical trip it is always a spiritual passage rite leading from adolescence to adulthood - from a chaotic, idealistic lifeworld to simple wisdoms through experiencing the hardships of the journey.
I am on my way. I explore the wolrd inside and try to collect the dots. And I realize that I had to grow up pretty fast without knowing the full weight of it. I am wandering in the halls of adulthood haunted by the questions left answerless and trying to complete the puzzle of my life. This is a pursuit of happiness and tranquility. This is a passage to peace with myself and the society.
I have a long way to accomplish still.

About hope

It's almost winter. We had snow - now we have rain. I find coping with the difficulties of life quite hard.
Hopelessness might be better than losing hope. My dreams of a better life are becoming slowly devastated by this rain and this place I live in.
Glory is far away, out of reach, out of sight.

After some time

We seem to normalize our relationship somehow. It' s not what it's used to be, but I am (and maybe she is also) hopeful. I don't have too much to say. We started talking to each other. Still there are other problems in my professional life and in finances, but hey, most of us share the same problems.
This is where the story ends now. Maybe I just leave this blog as a memento for a couple of shitty days. We will see. Or at least I will.

The surface and the deep

It seems to be OK on the surface but I feel something's not right here. I really think she lies.
No explanation.

The restless night

I met her half way into the city central. We got home. She was happy. She took a bath and sat down to check her e-mails (maybe also checked whether 'psychho' is online). She laughed loud at a letter she received from the Manish guy. All was almost OK. Except she did not reacted in any way to the love letter I've sent her hours ago with a lovesong attached (one of our first common lovesongs).
Nigth was restless. After an hour of suffering and thinkink about what she might did I left the bed to get sleeping pills. Didn't kick in for 2 more hours. Then I had about three hours with about 10 minute periods of sleeping and beeing awake again. Finally I got up half past 6. She asked me if I was OK, and said that my stomach hurts. It's true. It was empty and the pills seemed to burn a hole in it. I just did not confessed that.
It is her name-day today. Soon I will go to fecth some flowers to her.
I still want her this badly.

Evolve, evolve, evolve

Well it used to be an update but turned out to be a completely new post. No weather analogies this time though.
It was in the afternoon that I discovered she became friend with some Manish guy. She left a note to him at a community site calling the guy 'honey'. She rarely calls me honey these days. Whatever. I try to put on a happy face.
And in the morning she was chatting with this fucking 'Psycho' Tom again. I was on the edge of telling her that I am becoming more and more jealous of him. I think it's a bit better this way. They met tonight at a pub - okey there are some other friends there. I asked her earlier whether I could join them but she replied it was not exactly my company and no, do not join cause it might be weird for her. So now she's in a pub with them and I'm waiting for her at home.
At the same time I can record a little bit of relief. Her tone on the phone changed to a bit warmer after (or while) meeting one of her girlfriends. I hold on to every bit of hope now.
I want her to stay with me. This fucking situation makes me completely mad ('been thinking about spying on her but I had to recognize I'm not that kind of guy).
So here's the deal: I love her, can't stop thinking about her and cannot concentrate on anything else. I held a lecture today but somehow I wasn't there. Someone used my vocal chords to tell the kids what they need to know but I was thinking about how to win her love back.
After all it has been sang:

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got till it's gone

Update: It's quarter past midnight. I called her to ask what's up. We agreed on she would call me if she misses the last bus home. She is walking home now but I should not come to pick her up because she's not alone... Let's meet - she said - somewhere at the near hotel. She'll call me when she knows the time she'll be there. FUCKING HELL AM I ANGRY!

There's everything to lose

So it is autumn now. Rain and shit. I'm cold. And my relationship hangs by a thread. My loved one returned to me is a desperate state. There was crying about how she loves me and misses me - and how far I seem to be nowadays. She told she feels somehow left alone lately but she wouldn't say so I was shocked to hear (although I had this uncomfortable feeling as I put that down in the recent posts).
Now, we came to the decision to change something, to try to stick together. The problem is she seems to have gave it up already. It's like she has alredy made the decision to leave me, but she wouldn't say.
I love her. And I love her desperatelly. And I'm affraid of losing her. I became jealous of this 'Psycho' Tom guy and I'm all confused. She's my sole link to happiness. If it's over, I won't be able to recover myself from the ashes.
Life is a bitch nowadays.

Cold times coming

It seems like nature has a very descent taste of irony. As I become more and more vexed and disurbed so does the weather get colder and colder. It holds little or no promise of warmth anymore.
I feel like witnessing the endgame of my relationship. Just a week ago it all seemed to be alright. We loved each other. But the las few days - since she's away - her tone turned chilly and formal like we are no more than aquintences. She says oblivious things during the short calls we use to keep in touch. 'We will sit down sometime and I will tell the story because it's too long.' Like I was not her lover any more.
The other day in a cigarette break she said we need to spend more time together because it's not good for her. How come she became such a distant one for tonight going 'somewhere' with two Indian guys. (By the way she also said that she was asked for her hand by someone.)
She left in Tuesday and we were both sad to spend some days apart. Now it's Saturday and I don't know what's wrong but I definitelly feel something starange in her words, in her voice, in her whole behaviour. She is distanced.
And yes, I am upset, shaking like hell and the whole story is terrifingly familiar. These were the signs of spliting up with my former love. And I felt it then as well. If I'm good in anything that must be reading the lies of those who I know.
I really lost my sense of direction on this one. I'm affraid and desperate and feeling betrayed - if only by my stupid, overcomplicated way of thinking. Should I remain silent or sound my doubts? Should I interpret her behaviour as a sign of the end or as something temporary coldness caused by tiredness?
I guess it is only time I can rely on solving these issues.

September moaning

This change in the weather somehow makes me anxious and tensed. The hot post-summer days (Indian summer it is) suddenly turned to cold and watery. Not much fun.
But maybe it's not the weather. I shouldn't blame it for everything. This edgy state of mine might also be caused by the stiff launch of the new academic year. (Administration just devours my nerves.) Or there might be something in my relationship - some fracture I haven't recognized yet.
Running out of time it feels. Too much work to be done in too little time; too much bills to settle from too few bucks. Too much responsibility and it seem to become bigger and bigger every evening.
I'm almost 30 and unsure of what my future has in store for me. Completely unsure of what to wait, where to look, how to plan my next step. Pathetic, cowardly little creature me.
I finish it for tonight.